March 17, 2017
So, this is like a “What If?” story about the worst of all possible X-Men worlds. Grim, dystopian, and entirely predictable. The movie opens with Logan killing a bunch of guys. Every third scene after that is Logan and Mini Me killing a bunch of guys. Apparently, there are exactly three ways to kill someone with adamantium claws, and they do it over and over and over again, and by the end of this thing I was super bored.
You know what I’d like to see? The version of this story with no fight scenes. Here’s how that works: The best parts of the movie were, like, Laura and Charles bonding, and Laura having to figure out how to eat a nice family dinner, Logan playing caretaker to both of them — a role he is entirely unsuited to — and Charles trying to balance medication with his increasingly erratic control of his powers. Imagine a movie with all of that, and the threat of violence dogging them through their whole trek, but not actual violence. Imagine the tension. And then the only fight is the one at the end, when all that tension bursts.
But see, that would have been a lot harder to write. This one? This movie was lazy. The fights were the least interesting part, but they just kept happening. And I don’t care if she has the highest kill rate in the film, Laura is still a cloying moppet.
And I just want everyone to know that there are no mountains, pine forests, aspen groves, or anything but preternaturally flat, wind-blasted prairie on the border between North Dakota and Canada.
Honestly, my favorite part of the whole thing was seeing Marjorie Liu’s name in the credits. Good job, Marjorie!