February 23, 2015
Yup. I totally went to see this. Because SPACESHIPS. So, what’s the verdict?
“Wizard of Oz” meets “Dune” except the main characters are super boring, and did you notice how Jupiter doesn’t actually make any active decisions through the whole movie? She’s entirely reactive. I mean, sure, she decides to save Earth by not signing this thing, but really only when she realizes Wise is going to come rescue her after all. Again. Because this movie does the same plot like three times in a row because it has three villains. The action scenes were nonsensical and too long.
And the more I think about it, the more it’s thematically basically just like the Wachowskis’ best known film, The Matrix: Earth is not what it seems and human beings are Product. Fight the system! Ride your rocket boots into the camera!
But it does pass the Bechdel test quite handily, multiple times, so there’s that.
The Good Stuff, because there was some Good Stuff:
You know how I have this thing about big space ships? Ho-lee shit, people. There were some really gorgeous space ships in this thing. Go for the space ships. And space stations, and planets, and cultures, and people, and I basically loved all the secondary characters from the two Cyberpunk Bounty Hunters to the Dinosaur Gargoyle Guards to the Pretty Bureaucratic Androids. And Captain Tsing. Captain Tsing is my new favorite character. Give me a movie about the Adventures of Captain Tsing, please.
Basically, this whole thing is a proof-of-concept for making a movie based on Iain M. Banks’ Culture novels. SOMEBODY PLEASE DO THIS RIGHT NOW.
How The Movie Would Have Gone if I Were the Main Character:
Me: So wait. I’m a space princess?
Wise: Queen, Your Majesty, but yes.
Me: And how many worlds are there?
Wise: Millions, Your Majesty.
Me: And how rich am I?
Wise: Very, Your Majesty.
Me: I would like my own ship and a tour guide, please.
Wise: You do realize the economy of this culture is based on turning entire planets of people into Oil of Olay, right?
Me: And that is wrong, and I will fight to change it, I promise. But I still want my ship and tour guide.