so yeah, it turns out this really exists
August 8, 2012
So there I was poking around the web while writing that post I did on Choose Your Own Adventure books, when I made an amazing discovery: the existence of Find Your Fate: G.I. Joe. A Choose Your Own Adventure-style series about G.I. Joe. Or, as it will henceforth be known: Crack for Carrie.
Of course, I had to acquire them, which was a little tougher than I was expecting. Apparently, there’s been a run on this kind of thing in all the used bookstores. In other words, people who read them as kids are now old enough and have enough money to be collectors and are eating stuff like this up. (People like, oh, me?) But with the help of a friend and eBay, I got a set of six.
How did I not know about these back in the 80′s? Well, the copyright dates say that by the time these came out, I’d discovered Robin McKinley, Wild Cards, and a slew of other books and authors, and I never looked back. But it’s never too late. First impression: these read a little like my teenager G.I. Joe fanfiction. Which, you know, cool. Second impression: HOLY CRAP! These things are super traumatic. Because it turns out everyone in them are way better shots than their counterparts in the cartoons.
So like, you know how in Choose Your Own Adventure books there are quite a few negative outcomes. Like, “You fail, something terrible happens, you die. THE END.” Well, in the GI Joe ones, it’s even worse, because the negative outcomes go something like this: “You fail, something terrible happens, you die, YOUR ENTIRE SQUAD OF BELOVED GI JOE CHARACTERS DIE, THE ENTIRE G.I. JOE TEAM IS DESTROYED, AND COBRA TAKES OVER THE WORLD!!! THE END.” Or, “You fail, and maybe Cobra takes over the world, but you’ll never know because you’re dead and the GI Joe team has to clean up your mess, loser. Maybe they’ll succeed, or not. THE END.”
Oh my God. I can’t handle it. I have to go take a walk or something.
Okay, I’m back. Just long enough to show you this:
So yeah, a little wobbly on some of the details. I cannot tell you just how wrong it is, reading those words.