in which I play script doctor for The Hulk

I’m old enough to remember watching the Hulk TV series, which doesn’t really mean anything except I can laugh at the Lou Ferrigno cameo. Man, he’s taken good care of himself.

Oh, you want to know what I think about the film? Meh. It was…perfunctory. Nothing in it made me go “wow.” At least one scene made me go, “Oh, give me a break!” (Fuel is leaking from the helicopter! There are sparks! Oh noes, I wonder what happens next?!? ‘Splosion! Didn’t see that coming…)

I’ve been thinking a lot about what went wrong (in my opinion) with this film and find myself comparing it to “Iron Man,” which did just about everything right. Here’s what I’m thinking: “The Hulk” is muddled. The plot relies on a lot of cliche and hand waving to move itself along. The character arcs aren’t well defined. What this means is I don’t trust the filmmakers to tell the story, so instead of relaxing and enjoying the ride, I’m wondering how they’re going to screw up. “Iron Man” was a lovely scenic drive and “The Hulk” is a dark thickety path. It’s telling that my very favorite scene in the whole film was the very last one — that didn’t even have Bruce or Betty in it. (I can’t describe the scene — too spoilery. But if you’ve seen the film you know what I’m talking about.)

I want to add two scenes. No, not even scenes. A few lines of dialog. I can pick out three related character arcs: Banner doesn’t want power at all. Blonsky wants power and doesn’t care about control. General Ross wants absolute control over everything. This is a story about power: who has it, who wants it, and who deserves it. But the movie never brings these arcs to fruition. I think we need an exchange between Blonsky and Ross, when Blonsky is demanding more super-soldier treatment: Ross: “You’ve already had too much, you’ll lose control!” Blonsky: “I don’t care about control!” Ross is taken aback, and realizes he doesn’t control Blonsky. The audience realizes Blonsky isn’t a soldier — all those medals on his chest don’t mean anything, because he’s a madman. The other scene I would tweak: right before the last fight, in the helicopter: Ross has completely lost control, he’s rambling, Betty is begging him to do something, but all he can say is, “You don’t understand, that man is a monster, we don’t have anything that can stand up to it!” And nearby, Banner is staring into space, and he murmurs, “You have me.” Because he’s the only one who can actually control the power that everyone else craves.

That’s it. The pieces are already there. But the dialog never actually points to these pieces, the subtext behind all the action.  Sometimes you need to clear the path a little, to make it clear to the audience what’s happening. You can’t just have a lot of flashy action and expect the heart of the thing to shine through. “Iron Man” had heart.  This, not so much.

I haven’t even begun talking about how much I like Tim Roth and how I think it’s a shame he keeps getting cast in these thankless baddy roles. I’ll save that for another time. Also, I think Marvel Studios is in the midst of a hugely ambitious project, turning these films into a mosaic, with an interrelated story arc that promises to stretch over the next few years. I hope it works. That would rock.

Oh, and that very funny “You won’t like me when I’m…hungry” bit? Totally mine. I came up with that years ago. Just check the acknowledgments of “Kitty and the Midnight Hour.”